back in a few days

This is just a quick post on top of my recent one to just say that i may not get a chance to blog during the day tomorrow as i have to pack, im leaving to go away for the weekend with my boyfriend lunch time ‘ish’ but im hoping i may get a chance to blog. Just so everyone is aware i will blog again but it probably wont be until sunday night and i am hoping i can come back with a positive blog entry about how great my weekend has been. i am hoping that the anxiety, deoression and dizziness wont affect my weekend and im hoping i manage to keep things under control if it does. im sorry for not being able to blog for the next 2 evenings but everyone who is going through anxiety please read and try these great tips that i find work for me!

1. stay positive. i know its so har di really understand that so no one expects you to stay positive straight away. but staying positive relieves the mind of tension, stress and fear.
2. distract yourself. if you wake up and your a little worried that your going to have a bad day, plan to do something that will completely distract you from your situation, distraction is key, worry about it when you have to.
3. if you feel breathless or like your throat is tight, do some breathing exercises, breath in through your nose for 7 and in through you mouth for 11, it does work, especially when your trying to get to sleep at night.
4. if your a female and on the microgynon 30ed pill, stop taking it and see if it makes a different, if it doesnt then you can continue to take it, but give yourself at least a week to see a difference.
5. if your a woman and your on any kind of medication or contraception pills, to a thorough search online on trustworthy websites at the symptoms and other womans experiences going through it, it may be your medication.
6. book a doctors appointment for general health check up, if your that concerned just do this, even if it is just to relieve your mind, also you can ask for blood tests there to, to relieve your mine EVEN more.
7. dont be ashamed to ask for help, find someone who will listen, wont judge you and will maybe even understand, they will help you, or even go to a doctor.
8. talk to someone. its like personal private counseeling, find someone who will listen and understand and wont judge you ro anything and ask if you can just talk, if it makes you feel better even ask if they will just listen and not try to advise you, tell them exactly how you are feeling, say everything you need to say, even things that might not even be relevant to now, it may be a past experience or something your anxious about for the future and just talk.
9. try relaxation techniques and yoga, yoga really helps for me to relax me before bed time.
10. try to understand whats going on with your body
11. dont put any unnecisary stress on your body
12. try to relax, if your not working take the whole weekend to do what you and your body wants. see friends or family or maybe even just dedicate this whole weekend to doing nothing, it might be just what you need,
13. obviously keep a well balanced diet.
14. exercising helps anxiety, i find that when i dance i cheer up and forget about it so try any form of exercise.
15. try to get some motivation, hit the gym or set up a routine for yourself to do everyday, motivation will make you mentally stronger and you will deal with the anxiety and attacks better.

ive said all i know and can right now, if anyone needs me whilst i am away just email me privately on hellokittyjinx96@hotmail.co.uk or comment on this post and i WILL reply as soon as i get a spare second, i can talk anyone through any experiences i have had or help you with any problems you are having, just dont be afraid to ask. see you on monday!

B x

i felt like giving up

today was tough. it was ok, not as bad as it was 2-3 weeks ago, but its still been tough. i didnt go to school, i slept in until around 10.30 then got a phone call from my mum. she was working but she had been calling the doctors all morning and as they couldnt get me in, they agreed to get a doctor to call me to see how ive been feeling, and what is wrong. i got tearful when my mum told me but i kept it in and turned my ‘upset’ into anger. the doctor eventually rang and i answered the phone worrying what to say, i told her all about the contraceptive pill and the mental health clinic ive been going too, i told her i stopped taking the pill but its just left me feeling down and dizzy. she told me she wanted me to get my blood pressur echecked and have blood tests as she was concerened that i might be aneamic. she also told me that she can give me pills for the vertigo (dizziness) i got off the phone and rang my mum who asked me to go get the prescription myself, but as i was worried i just broke down on the other end of the phone, i didnt want to go in and ask for a prescription. it sounds daft but i didnt feel like i was in the right frame of mind or even confident enough to do that. my mum took her lunch break to go to the doctors and get my prescription. she also found out i had an appintment booked for my blood pressure check for 4.30pm today and i have my blood tests tomorrow at 8.45am. im nervous about the blood test as i dont like them, i dont have a fear of needles or anything i just hate blood tests, they seriously are so uncomfortable and im not looking forward to having it at all, the relieving thing is, they are doing a full blood count so if i had cancer or anything it would show up in these tests. i just want to find the cause of this dizziness. i understand the throat tightness etc is possibly from anxiety, but dizziness? surely there is some sort of problem.

i went to my boyfriends house for dinner after i had my blood pressure checked (which was perfectly fine) and he left me whilst he went to look at bathroom tiles for his new en suite. i was sat with his mum and gramp talking about what i have been going through and the treatment i am getting. i still havent recieved information about this counselling im supposed to be getting and i just want it now. i might see if i can get counselling at school or something on top of the extra counselling im getting due to the mental health clinic. i have had counselling at school before for past traumatic events and it helped, so that would be an idea i might consider.

i felt dizzy round my boyfriends, and just couldnt wait to get home. although i have been happy since ive been home, a part of my heart sinks everytime i remember what im going through. right now i feel dizzy and typing is difficult but im managing it apart from the odd mistake so please excuse my spelling.

i know its not a positive post, and i havent really got a lot of advice for anyone tonight, i just wanted to write to update evryone and show that i do still have down days, i cant control everything perfectly.

i was sat in the bath earlier, and i just wanted to give up. i wanted to give up fighting. i felt so down and petrified, especially as im going away tomorrow for the weekend with my boyfriend, i wont be at home where i am comfortable, i wont be with my mum, although i can talk to her over the phone its just not the same. i just want to stay at home, i want to go away as my boyfriend has payed for this for us and mainly me as my birthday present but i just dont want to go. i feel like anxiety will effect me for the rest of my life, whenever im scared of doing something i know that i will think what if i suffer from anxiety or have a panic attack? i just feel low, i felt like giving up, and a part of me still wishes i can, although i know i cant. i feel like no one listens to me, and although there are people that are helping me, its just a slow process, i feel all alone and as if no one is listening to me or helping me at all. i feel so isolated and insecure and nervous about everything. i dont feel excited for this weekend away which i know i should be and im dreading going, which will most likely only make matters worse. a part of me just wants to curl up into a ball and give up and just cry and cry for hours until someone finally helps me and takes my problem away, another part of me wants to stay strong and fight through it, after all, if it is a mental thing, the only way it will go away is if i get through it and keep fighting, but its hard when fighting means smiling and staying positive. thats a pretty challenging thing to do right now.

i just want it to all go away, i havent told my mum yet but most days i still wish someone would put me in a hospital for a few weeks until i get better, i feel as if thats the only way i will get through this. i just want to cry, right now i can see myself welling up as soon as i stop writing, i guess thats why im rambling on a bit.

i have so much sympathy for anyone going through, has been through or will go through anxiety in their life. its such a difficult thing to grasp and it really is like learning to drive a car. its so difficult, this is the hardest test ive ever had to take and the hardest lesson ive ever had to learn.

its the perfect example really. this weekend away is like a big exam, its like ive been learning a brand new lesson, and ive been given only weeks to learn every topic in this lesson, and this weekend i am being made to take a weekend long exam to test what i know, what i have learnt and to see if i can do it, the reason im so nervous is i still have a lot to learn and a lot to take in.

that was the perfect way to describe how im feeling about going away tomorrrow. i just hope i can stay strong and push through the couple of nights that im away, because right now all i want to do is stay at home, in bed, all day, until someone takes me to a hospital and finally makes me better. after all, i have been going through this for months, and months feel like years when you feel this scared. its like a permanent horror movie.

hot then cold

Today wasn’t a bad day, it wasnt great…but it could have been worse. i went to school, so so so tired, as lastnight, i struggled to sleep, and to make matters worse, it was hell trying to crawl out of bed this morning, i woke up late too, and only had 20 minutes to get ready, and when i wanted to try and make an effort, it didnt go down well. i got to school and i was drained, i struggled to stand up for too long and as soon as i went outside it was like ice water had just been thrown over my head. the air was piercingly cold and made me shiver. As the day went on, i slowly started feeling more and more angry by the minute, at one point, i was going phsyco at my friends, i was shouting at them and telling them to go away, i was cranky, everyone was irritating me and i didnt even enjoy myself in dance. i kept having flushes of dizziness too which didnt help. when i got home i was ok, i relaxed, but before my mum got home i started feeling dizzy again, and it only went off at about 11, and im hoping it stays off. im feeling okay at the moment, so im going to hurry up, go to bed and get some sleep before it comes back on. hopefully the pill will be mostly out of my system tomorrow, as yesterday was my first day of not taking it. its been awful, and my fingers are crossed tightly right now, in hope all of this sh*t is the pill messing with my head, hormones and emotions. ive decided i probably wont go back on any form of contraceptive pill, the implant didnt work for me either, so im happy to just be extra careful with other forms of contraception than to be pumping my body with hormones every single day. 

 

earlier i began to feel pretty down, i felt lost and out of control. i felt like everyone was against me, and i felt like my mum was getting sick of hearing how down i feel and my negativity. i can understand why, but when your feeling this negative and this low, its hard to have someone snap at you, when all you want them to do is just listen and try to understand. you dont want advice, you dont want to be checked on or babysat, you just want a listener. thats why im so excited to start my counselling soon, in hope everything will start going back on track. i can finally open up to someone who will listen to me and not feel judged or warey of what i say, i can tell her everything without a worry.

Every day is a new day to success.

here’s to a fresh start *puts glass of blackcurrant in the air* im so happy. things are finally back on track. i got my medication today, which is a 10mg, monthly supply of an anti depressent (forgotten the name) that calms anxiety and panic attacks..BUT there’s a twist, i feel well enough to not even start them! today has been a normal day! and normal is the best word for me to manage to admit right now. although my morning started off badly, it wasnt due to anxiety or panic attacks, it was simply to do with the fact i struggled so bad on my two physics exams. i did a maths exam this afternoon but hey ho! i managed a whole day through school. massive huge extreme improvement. ive managed to get myself through anxiety without medication or any counselling (yet ofcourse) im still going ahead with the counselling, because ive been told that thats what prevents anxiety to re occur in the long run. but i managed! and ive read up on a few websites that anxiety is one of the most hardest things as well as depression to pull yourself out of without any medication. everyday that isuffered from anxiety was like a curse, an evil curse placed upon my shoulders that i had to endure with me everyday until i found the strength to lift it off of me and dump it someone dark and lock it away. i was struggling to get through a day, every day of living was like a chore for me. i wanted to not wake up and bare another day, but at the same time i was scared of dying and scared if not waking up. it was a confusing time, my depression got worse. i was low. id sit in the bath until it got cold with my head in my knees. i even got to a point where i wasnt crying anymore, just staring into lost space throughout times of the day. i didnt want to see me friends, i didnt want to go to parties, i didnt want to leave my house, as it was the only place i felt secure. but finally, after breaking down and hitting that very rock bottom, i realised that i cant let my head mess me around like this, i cant be frightened of something that i can control. its like walking into a scary house, some people may be fine and strong willed to just do it without complaints, like some people can get through anxiety as though its a normal cough or cold. some people would go through it and never get out, just like people who suffer from anxiety get into it and cant control it at all. others will go in there and need help to get themselves through it, like with anxiety, people willl go into it and end up getting help to make sure they dont suffer anymore, and then others, the very rare few go in there, scared a susual, firghtened and pleading people to help them in desperation, but it finally hits them no one can change it but themselves, so they get through and come out stronger than they have ever been. ive got through it. without the medication and now im happy to admit im excited to go away next weekend with my boyfriend, im excited to have him stay round instea dof scared now. and thats all because i didnt let anxiety win, i abttled through it, a strng fighting person, i didnt even know that mentally i was that strong, i knew i was strong, just not as strong as this, until it finally clicked that only i can change this, so i did, i kept myself distracted, thought rationally instead of irrationally and convinced myself to be positive as much as possible. look at me now, yes it is 4-5 weeks down the line, but im the strongest mentally that ive ever been. i will never hit another dark place like that again, ever. i will keep fighting until i get through this, because im strong, and i can do this. and so can you.

a problem shared is a problem halved

I just wanted to tell everyone that suffers from anxiety, panic attacks and depression or even silly things like a general illness or even a terminal one, that i am happy for anyone to message me or email me on hellokittyjinx96@hotmail.co.uk as i know that going through something so hard is just something not everyone can face alone. even though friends and family may be there for you its always nice talking to someone who has shared the same experience or even to have someone to listen to you is a bonus. i know that i wanted to turn to someone who understood or even was there to listen and my family and friends sometimes were just not what i was looking for. i wanted someone to not judge me on my life and what im going through and even a stranger that would listen would have helped me. so anyone that wants to let out their problems, troubles, feelings, worries or even just someone in general to chat to about everyday normal life im here whenever for anyone who needs it.

fantastic improvements

i had today off of school and last night i slept perfectly! getting into a nice warm bed and curling up and falling to sleep not feeling anxious was amazing. although i am still sleeping in with my mum i took another massive step in the process of getting better today and i feel so good accomplishing it! So, today i woke up at around lunchtime (i could sleep for england) and i initially looked at my phone, went on my twitter account etc etc.. then i had to get up to get ready to go to the clinic, so i though okay im not going to bother doing hair and make up and dolling myself up like i usually do to feel confident otherwise they wont take me seriously, think im fine and wont give me medication. so i slapped my hair up in a quick messy pony, shoved a pair of jeans, converse and a cardigan on and left my make up, apart from drawing on my eyebrows to give them a little bit of shape. i got to the clinic and this was the first time my mum had came as my nan took me last time. we waited for a minute or two until a male doctor came through and called my name. well. he was the most unsympathetic pointless idiot of a man i have ever met in my life. he told me all the side affects to the medication he is prescribing me. who does that?! who the hell tells their patients the VERY VERY RARE side effects when they have frigging anxiety?! stupid man. yes, he told me that it could make my panic attacks worse! (stupid idiot! ive finally got them under control i dont want to go through them again with medication that is supposed to stop that from bloody happening!) then he told me it may cause chest pains (i already get them and hate it enough as it is) also you may get sweaty alot and tremble and it may make you go to the toilet more often. well done clever guy you just frightened the living daylights out of me and now i dont want to take the damn medication. ANYWAY. he prescribed me some tablets which im taking 10mg of and i have to collect them from my GP at some point tomorrow. i cried, asking him if there was anything else that would be better or anything else i can take that didnt have side affects? as i thought, now hes just told me all the side affects and im going to think the medication is causing them when really im just panicking myself thinking that thats what will happen. so yes, i was annoyed. in the end he just said if i choose to not take them then thats my choice. i was kind of happy with that until he told me that the medication would take 10 days to start working. fan-bloody-tastic! again i was furious. im going away next weekend with my boyfriend and i was told i would be given medication that would work instantly. so yes i had hyped myself up thinking YAY ILL BE BETTER FOR WHEN I GO AWAY. NOT. obviously that was too much to bloody ask for. Me and mum came home discussing how much of an idiot he had been. but luckily, although he was in the mental health c clinic  he was just an emergency doctor that prescribes medication, he wasnt any of the counsellors that id seen for my assessment. luckily! otherwise that clinic would be down hill. ANYWAY my mum rang my aunty when we got home and i found out my uncle had been put on the same medication that i am being put on and the only side affects he got was drowsiness and a dead leg and he was on 50mg, a higher dose than me. we then found out my nan also had the same prescription and she had no side affects and the medication worked with 2-3 days, yet she was on 20mg, which is great. so maybe i wont get any side affects and maybe the meds will work quickly? no idea but im open about trying them now ive spoken to family that said them tablets changed their lives! 

 

Anyway, my title means that i have fantastically improved today and i really have! i finally went out! yes guys i left my house! i went to my boyfriends at about 5.oopm and i stayed until about half 7 and i didnt even have any tight throat, anxiety symptoms or a panic attack! i was perfectly fine the whole time i was there and i came home had a bath and im still fine now! that is a massive improvement for me as i haven’t been able to leave my house and have been petrified to leave the house! but i did it! im so glad i managed to do it with no worries or any problems and i finally feel like im beating this awful illness! im strong! how i did this was i kept reassuring myself on the way to his house that ‘im only ten minutes away from mine, i can leave at any point, i dont have to stay for long, i will refuse to do anything i feel uncomfortable about doing, im strong and i can get through this, its just my boyfriends house there shouldn’t be an issue’ etc etc and by telling my mind that constantly, whilst i was round his i barely even thought about anxiety. it crossed my mind a couple of times but nothing happened, everything was normal and everything was under control! honestly, about a week ago i would have even attempted or even considered leaving my house to go to the shop down the road and back, let alone leave my mums side and my house and go out on my own with my boyfriend, to his house that ive been avoiding in case i have an attack and stay there for a good couple of hours or so and be perfectly okay, be okay on the way home and be okay when i get home! im just so pleased, and being that pleased makes everything better, everything more okay and makes me think positively! honestly guys, last week i was in such a bad way. i was petrified of leaving the house and i was begging my mum to get them to put me in a mental hospital for a few weeks, which meant leaving my mum and leaving home and staying in a hospital to make sure i was better. i would cry everyday and one day i even cried for 6 hours straight  i stayed at home and could even step out of my front door, i could barely control the anxiety even when the panic attacks weren’t happening. id cry through an attack, before an attack, after one and any other time of the day when it wasnt happening, because i was so scared of feeling like that again. i just didnt want to. but honestly, last week my mum was telling ‘you can get through this, your strong you can fight it, its just something you need to try and be strong about, it will get worse if you believe it wont go away’ and she was right, everyday id wake up, id think about it, id cry or just wouldnt talk, and all that would run through my mind is, ‘i cant live like this, its never going to go away’ and with an attitude like that, and  whilst my attitude was like that it didnt go away. as soon as i had a good day i believed truthfully that it would go away. sometimes it takes all the strength you have physically and mentally to tell yourself that its just anxiety and it will go away, but when you begin to do that, things get so much better. i know it sounds impossible to do. when my mum told me to think positively i pushed her away more and more because i though ‘are you crazy? i cant think positively when i feel like im dying i cant think positively when im having an attack and i especially cant think positively when all anyone is doing to me is asking me how im feeling today!’ but when i finally hit that very rock bottom, and cried for hours, the next morning i refused to let it beat me. i got up, got myself ready, pushed through the day, and i did the same with the next and the next! and although i still get symptoms, the irrational thinking is rare during a whole day now, and the symptoms are occasional. things are looking up. im so happy.

 

B xxxx

descriptive writing.

if most of you have read my introduction post or my first blog entry, you would have noticed i love to write. and seeing as im in a very writey mood, im going to write you some descriptive writing. the type of writing i am hoping to produce will be quite calming if someone read it to you, and it will 100% be positive. feel free to record yourself calmly reading this piece of writing and listen back to it when you are relaxing your body and want to think positively. i downloaded an app on my phone called ‘stop panic and anxiety’ and you can get it on most android phones i believe, and i listen to the childs recording on that, its a woman basically reading out a descriptive piece of writing. so im going to start writing and if you enjoy it get out your phone or something to record yourself on and play it back when you want to chill out! i promise it works!

 

Your walk into the forest. Magic surrounds you instantly. The sun is reflecting off of the emerald evergreen trees and reflecting upon a sparkling lake. You take a deep breath in through your nose, and as you do, you smell the freshly grown grass and damp in the air. Its refreshing and you finally feel free. Its the beginning of spring. The blossom trees are finally blossoming, the old twigs from the old oak have fallen gently to the ground. You look over to the lake, reflecting shade of lemon and green and pale pink from the early sunrise. ‘my pain has gone, im finally free’ you shout. as you shout this, every bad emotion shoots out of every limb of your body. you fill with light, the release of the stress has gone, your free. You begin to walk gently across a wooden bridge, welcoming you delightfully. You skip over the bridge gently, and as you reach the centre you twirl dramatically. ‘im free’ you shout once more. this time as you do it you laugh. the biggest laugh you have done in years. birds exit the trees swiftly and frogs rise from the lilly-pads on the lake surface. you jump down from the bridge, treading carefully between twigs and old leaves left behind from autumn. You face the old oak tree above you. As you step closer towards the old oak you begin to feel excitement of having piece, being alone, hearing the wildlife surround you. You place your bag onto the ground next to the oak and begin to get out a book. You start to hum beautifully as you find your chapter and you begin to read. You cant concentrate, but this is not a problem  you are filled with delight. You breath in through your nose, this time closing your eyes and squeezing them shut, a smile lights up your face as all of the bad thoughts, memories, feelings and troubles exit you. As you breath out, you imagine the negative thoughts as colours. Murky browns and charcole blacks exit your fingers, murky greys and dull green exit your toes. As you breath in again, you breath in every positive thing, letting it fill your body with happy emotions. You breath in delightful colours, such as pale pinks, lemon yellows and baby blue’s. You lean against the tree, just watching whats going on around you. You watch for a while, imagining every single blissful thing in your life that you have got to be positive about. You think of the family that love you, the friends that are there, the memories you have and the memories you will make in the future. you imagine all of the bad thoughts being shaded by the beautiful colours you have let fill your body. with one last smile you place down your book. you relax every muscle, every bone, every organ, your chest, your throat, the heels of your feet even. and finally, when you are relaxed, peaceful and have fully let yourself be free, you relax your mind. Blissfully unaware at how amazing it is to be rid of everything unworthy of you.

school

i will be making a longer entry later but whilst i have a few spare minutes to write a bit i wanted to update you all on my first day back at school!

 

to start things off on a positive note, even though i had little sleep lastnight i went into my maths exam this morning ready to take on whatever it had to throw at me. i was put in a seperate room so i wasnt stuck in the big hall surrounded by so many people yet feeling like i cant talk if i needed help. the maths exam went brilliantly, i found most of it so easy and i was proud when my friends told me after the exam that they had struggled on some questions which i find really easy and answered in a heartbeat!

 

on another positive note, even though i didnt manage a whole day at school i managed most of it. i coped really well up until final two lessons and i had to ring my mum as i was freaking out in the girls toilets. id come over feeling pretty dizzy and stressed and i needed to just get home and have a bath and relax. and last night i barely slept a wink, at first it was because i was having really bad stomach pains which were shooting through my back and ribs too. eventually that wore off and i sat there on my phone researching cancer and brain tumour symptoms. i advice that this is not something anyone suffering from anxiety should do! i havent got a brain tumour nor do i have cancer yet i still funnily enough think i have when times get tough and i start thinking irrationally. in the end i had to snap myself out of it, and to do that i had to go downstairs without waking my mum up and sit down there for a couple of hours until i got my head back round things. i think being nervous about the exam and going back to school brought it on but im currently fine now i am back at home.