back in a few days

This is just a quick post on top of my recent one to just say that i may not get a chance to blog during the day tomorrow as i have to pack, im leaving to go away for the weekend with my boyfriend lunch time ‘ish’ but im hoping i may get a chance to blog. Just so everyone is aware i will blog again but it probably wont be until sunday night and i am hoping i can come back with a positive blog entry about how great my weekend has been. i am hoping that the anxiety, deoression and dizziness wont affect my weekend and im hoping i manage to keep things under control if it does. im sorry for not being able to blog for the next 2 evenings but everyone who is going through anxiety please read and try these great tips that i find work for me!

1. stay positive. i know its so har di really understand that so no one expects you to stay positive straight away. but staying positive relieves the mind of tension, stress and fear.
2. distract yourself. if you wake up and your a little worried that your going to have a bad day, plan to do something that will completely distract you from your situation, distraction is key, worry about it when you have to.
3. if you feel breathless or like your throat is tight, do some breathing exercises, breath in through your nose for 7 and in through you mouth for 11, it does work, especially when your trying to get to sleep at night.
4. if your a female and on the microgynon 30ed pill, stop taking it and see if it makes a different, if it doesnt then you can continue to take it, but give yourself at least a week to see a difference.
5. if your a woman and your on any kind of medication or contraception pills, to a thorough search online on trustworthy websites at the symptoms and other womans experiences going through it, it may be your medication.
6. book a doctors appointment for general health check up, if your that concerned just do this, even if it is just to relieve your mind, also you can ask for blood tests there to, to relieve your mine EVEN more.
7. dont be ashamed to ask for help, find someone who will listen, wont judge you and will maybe even understand, they will help you, or even go to a doctor.
8. talk to someone. its like personal private counseeling, find someone who will listen and understand and wont judge you ro anything and ask if you can just talk, if it makes you feel better even ask if they will just listen and not try to advise you, tell them exactly how you are feeling, say everything you need to say, even things that might not even be relevant to now, it may be a past experience or something your anxious about for the future and just talk.
9. try relaxation techniques and yoga, yoga really helps for me to relax me before bed time.
10. try to understand whats going on with your body
11. dont put any unnecisary stress on your body
12. try to relax, if your not working take the whole weekend to do what you and your body wants. see friends or family or maybe even just dedicate this whole weekend to doing nothing, it might be just what you need,
13. obviously keep a well balanced diet.
14. exercising helps anxiety, i find that when i dance i cheer up and forget about it so try any form of exercise.
15. try to get some motivation, hit the gym or set up a routine for yourself to do everyday, motivation will make you mentally stronger and you will deal with the anxiety and attacks better.

ive said all i know and can right now, if anyone needs me whilst i am away just email me privately on hellokittyjinx96@hotmail.co.uk or comment on this post and i WILL reply as soon as i get a spare second, i can talk anyone through any experiences i have had or help you with any problems you are having, just dont be afraid to ask. see you on monday!

B x

i felt like giving up

today was tough. it was ok, not as bad as it was 2-3 weeks ago, but its still been tough. i didnt go to school, i slept in until around 10.30 then got a phone call from my mum. she was working but she had been calling the doctors all morning and as they couldnt get me in, they agreed to get a doctor to call me to see how ive been feeling, and what is wrong. i got tearful when my mum told me but i kept it in and turned my ‘upset’ into anger. the doctor eventually rang and i answered the phone worrying what to say, i told her all about the contraceptive pill and the mental health clinic ive been going too, i told her i stopped taking the pill but its just left me feeling down and dizzy. she told me she wanted me to get my blood pressur echecked and have blood tests as she was concerened that i might be aneamic. she also told me that she can give me pills for the vertigo (dizziness) i got off the phone and rang my mum who asked me to go get the prescription myself, but as i was worried i just broke down on the other end of the phone, i didnt want to go in and ask for a prescription. it sounds daft but i didnt feel like i was in the right frame of mind or even confident enough to do that. my mum took her lunch break to go to the doctors and get my prescription. she also found out i had an appintment booked for my blood pressure check for 4.30pm today and i have my blood tests tomorrow at 8.45am. im nervous about the blood test as i dont like them, i dont have a fear of needles or anything i just hate blood tests, they seriously are so uncomfortable and im not looking forward to having it at all, the relieving thing is, they are doing a full blood count so if i had cancer or anything it would show up in these tests. i just want to find the cause of this dizziness. i understand the throat tightness etc is possibly from anxiety, but dizziness? surely there is some sort of problem.

i went to my boyfriends house for dinner after i had my blood pressure checked (which was perfectly fine) and he left me whilst he went to look at bathroom tiles for his new en suite. i was sat with his mum and gramp talking about what i have been going through and the treatment i am getting. i still havent recieved information about this counselling im supposed to be getting and i just want it now. i might see if i can get counselling at school or something on top of the extra counselling im getting due to the mental health clinic. i have had counselling at school before for past traumatic events and it helped, so that would be an idea i might consider.

i felt dizzy round my boyfriends, and just couldnt wait to get home. although i have been happy since ive been home, a part of my heart sinks everytime i remember what im going through. right now i feel dizzy and typing is difficult but im managing it apart from the odd mistake so please excuse my spelling.

i know its not a positive post, and i havent really got a lot of advice for anyone tonight, i just wanted to write to update evryone and show that i do still have down days, i cant control everything perfectly.

i was sat in the bath earlier, and i just wanted to give up. i wanted to give up fighting. i felt so down and petrified, especially as im going away tomorrow for the weekend with my boyfriend, i wont be at home where i am comfortable, i wont be with my mum, although i can talk to her over the phone its just not the same. i just want to stay at home, i want to go away as my boyfriend has payed for this for us and mainly me as my birthday present but i just dont want to go. i feel like anxiety will effect me for the rest of my life, whenever im scared of doing something i know that i will think what if i suffer from anxiety or have a panic attack? i just feel low, i felt like giving up, and a part of me still wishes i can, although i know i cant. i feel like no one listens to me, and although there are people that are helping me, its just a slow process, i feel all alone and as if no one is listening to me or helping me at all. i feel so isolated and insecure and nervous about everything. i dont feel excited for this weekend away which i know i should be and im dreading going, which will most likely only make matters worse. a part of me just wants to curl up into a ball and give up and just cry and cry for hours until someone finally helps me and takes my problem away, another part of me wants to stay strong and fight through it, after all, if it is a mental thing, the only way it will go away is if i get through it and keep fighting, but its hard when fighting means smiling and staying positive. thats a pretty challenging thing to do right now.

i just want it to all go away, i havent told my mum yet but most days i still wish someone would put me in a hospital for a few weeks until i get better, i feel as if thats the only way i will get through this. i just want to cry, right now i can see myself welling up as soon as i stop writing, i guess thats why im rambling on a bit.

i have so much sympathy for anyone going through, has been through or will go through anxiety in their life. its such a difficult thing to grasp and it really is like learning to drive a car. its so difficult, this is the hardest test ive ever had to take and the hardest lesson ive ever had to learn.

its the perfect example really. this weekend away is like a big exam, its like ive been learning a brand new lesson, and ive been given only weeks to learn every topic in this lesson, and this weekend i am being made to take a weekend long exam to test what i know, what i have learnt and to see if i can do it, the reason im so nervous is i still have a lot to learn and a lot to take in.

that was the perfect way to describe how im feeling about going away tomorrrow. i just hope i can stay strong and push through the couple of nights that im away, because right now all i want to do is stay at home, in bed, all day, until someone takes me to a hospital and finally makes me better. after all, i have been going through this for months, and months feel like years when you feel this scared. its like a permanent horror movie.

some more advice from Bailey…

i wasn’t going to write in my blog today as even though my day hasnt been fantastic, i hadnt felt like id progressed much at all or even gone down enough to write, but after this evening something big has happened that has opened my eyes massively, and even though every day or every few days i may need that same reassurance again just to remind me of this, its ok.

Today i had a bad day, my social group at school, considered my ‘friends’ were bullying other people at school, then being hypocritical and getting irritated when they did the same thing back. Hanging around with them constantly makes people think i am like that too, but im much more mature than that. It upsets me, as some of my friends smoke weed, get drunk on street corners etc and so many people including extremely popular people in my school dont try to get to know me as they assume im like that too, when infact, i couldnt be any more opposite to my friends if i tried. 

this got me down today, realising that everyone judges me because they think i am the same as my friends, but i cant even slowly twindle myself out of this social group as it will cause me hassle at school, and with what i am going through that is not a good thing at all. luckily enough for me im starting sixth form next september and i break up for study leave in 6 months, my friends are going to college where as i am staying on for sicth form so i wont have to hang around with them and i can slowly distance myself, that will happen naturally anyway i assume. 

anyway, i was having a happy day, i was perfectly fine until all of a sudden i hit a bit of a downer. i began feeling depressed again, i havent felt this low in a while and i didnt like it, but after a fun last lesson at school i was ok. 

My boyfriend picked me up from school and i was happy and ok until we got home, i was fine up until i started feeling a bit anxious and was having some throat tightness and anxiety symptoms, i also came over feeling very dizzy which i have felt every single day since monday, and i really dont like it. i began feeling low, my mum got in from work and i lifted a bit but still continued not saying much. i went to saying nothing at all and just staring aimlessly at my living room floor. my mum was sat in the sofa chair next to me and my boyfriend opposite and the tv was on, but i was paying no attention to it, all i could think about is how rubbish my life has been lately, and when is this all going to end?

my mum went upstairs to catch up with greys anatomy series that she is getting into and i was left downstairs with my boyfriend. i had said barely anything for an hour or two and he looked at me curiously and asked what was wrong. usually id tell him staright away, and although he was being extremely sympathetic i couldnt tell him for a while. eventually after i kept lying ‘im fine’ – ‘dont worry’ – ‘im okay’ – ‘it doesnt matter’ i began to talk. he didnt say anything, he just listened, finally. i liked it that he just listened and didnt put words in my mouth or try to advise me, for a change someone actually stayed dead silent whilst i needed to talk and just be supportive in that way, thats all ive wanted for a while, thats why its nice to write in this blog every day as i say what i need to say without anyone interupting me, but still, writing down my feelings, although its to the rest of the world is easy and isnt helping, its basically bottling things up from my real life going on behind this computer screen.

i told him how my days been, how my friends are getting me down, how insecure i have been feeling (ive been constantly re doing my make up every chance i get at school which ive never done and constantly felt self conscious of the way i look), how low, fed up and down ive been feeling and how i feel like im trapped in a bubble. i explained that i felt that way because everyone could see me through this ‘bubble’ and see that im okay, but they cant see how i feel inside, and dont know half of my problems, i also feel like they hear what im saying, but dont understand properly (because im in this ‘bubble’ ) he understood what i was saying and he just comforted me and let me cry, he let me just sit there and cry and talk and talk and cry about how rubbish i was feeling. it helped, although the after affects was that i was still down and felt like giving up on this.

he eventually went after giving me lots of kisses, 3 massive hugs and telling me hes always here for me no matter what. this was reassuring and i was glad to hear that i can turn to him when in need.

then, my mum came down, and she noticed i wasnt feeling to happy in myself, she noticed in my eyes that i had been crying, that i looked drained and that i looked completely unhappy and fed up. i just turned round to her and said, is it okay if we talk? i dont want you to say anything or give me advice, i just want you to listen, so you know how im feeling? she loved the idea of this and i think she was happy id finally asked if i could tell her how i felt.

she sorted herself out then we finally sat down on the sofa and spoke about everything for an hour and a half or so. this really helped me. My mum shared some things with me about her past anxiety, and although i cant share this on my blog (as what she told me was in confidence and personal) i assure anyone that is going htrough a similar anxiety to me should understand my mum hasbeen through hell and back with anxiety and had it a lot worse than me… i thought it was impossible for anyone to have it as bad as me but she did, and her telling me her deepest darkest secrets, thoughts and feelings really made me think ‘whats happening to me isnt all that bad, it could be worse’

i want everyone reading this to think to themselves right now… IT COULD BE WORSE. 

its true, the situation could be a thousand times worse, and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. some people go through anxiety for 10 years or even more and they still end up getting out of it if they do the right things and are confident enough in seeking help!

i told my mum pretty much everything and more that i told my boyfriend. i exclaimed to her i still feel low and like i cant cope at times, that im worried about this weekend (as im going away with my boyfriend) and leaving her, and also not being able to sleep with the light on. she is going to talk to my boyfriend and sort that i can have some sort of light on whilst i stay at the hotel for when i sleep and have as much comforts as i need that gets me through at home, like a hot bath and distraction etc.

after we had a really long talk i definately felt a strong urge to get on this blog and share this with everyone.

i hit a really low place tonight before i spoke about it and how i feel, and all my life (anyone who knows me well could back me up on this) i have been a secretive person, that doesnt talk about my feelings to anyone and bottles htem up as i dont want others to know what im going through, im just everyone elses agony aunt, so it was a massive step in my life as well as my anxiety for me to completely open up to my feelings to two different people in one night.

 

ive writtent his post today advising nayone who is going through this to find someone, and i mean anyone, that they can talk to in confidence about everything. it really helps, now for me, as i have never opened up and spoke about my life and problems i wouldnt have believed it would have helped until i did it, but now i feel like another big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and i feel relieved strangely enough. if you dont htink it would work, then i just strongly advise you to try it anyway, it is a big step but it really helped me and im someone who writes everything down in a diary, then shuts it away. i thought this was good, until several people actually made me realise, writing things down may seem like it helps for you, but infact your still bottling it up, your writing it down and not explaining it to anyone that can or even can try to understand. im a big diary writer, and for the past few days i havent written much at all, which is fantastic and i couldnt have found a better thing/regieme to get me off this awful feeling.

 

the long talk and this blog entry has left me feeling relieved, excited for people to read this and hopefully (fingers crossed) take my advise, so i am now off to bed for a night of a blissful sleep and i dont even have to go to school tomorrow, which im happy about as thats another full day to try get my head round things and maybe start to feel better. 

 

thank you all for reading this, please try to listen to my advice.

B x

Every day is a new day to success.

here’s to a fresh start *puts glass of blackcurrant in the air* im so happy. things are finally back on track. i got my medication today, which is a 10mg, monthly supply of an anti depressent (forgotten the name) that calms anxiety and panic attacks..BUT there’s a twist, i feel well enough to not even start them! today has been a normal day! and normal is the best word for me to manage to admit right now. although my morning started off badly, it wasnt due to anxiety or panic attacks, it was simply to do with the fact i struggled so bad on my two physics exams. i did a maths exam this afternoon but hey ho! i managed a whole day through school. massive huge extreme improvement. ive managed to get myself through anxiety without medication or any counselling (yet ofcourse) im still going ahead with the counselling, because ive been told that thats what prevents anxiety to re occur in the long run. but i managed! and ive read up on a few websites that anxiety is one of the most hardest things as well as depression to pull yourself out of without any medication. everyday that isuffered from anxiety was like a curse, an evil curse placed upon my shoulders that i had to endure with me everyday until i found the strength to lift it off of me and dump it someone dark and lock it away. i was struggling to get through a day, every day of living was like a chore for me. i wanted to not wake up and bare another day, but at the same time i was scared of dying and scared if not waking up. it was a confusing time, my depression got worse. i was low. id sit in the bath until it got cold with my head in my knees. i even got to a point where i wasnt crying anymore, just staring into lost space throughout times of the day. i didnt want to see me friends, i didnt want to go to parties, i didnt want to leave my house, as it was the only place i felt secure. but finally, after breaking down and hitting that very rock bottom, i realised that i cant let my head mess me around like this, i cant be frightened of something that i can control. its like walking into a scary house, some people may be fine and strong willed to just do it without complaints, like some people can get through anxiety as though its a normal cough or cold. some people would go through it and never get out, just like people who suffer from anxiety get into it and cant control it at all. others will go in there and need help to get themselves through it, like with anxiety, people willl go into it and end up getting help to make sure they dont suffer anymore, and then others, the very rare few go in there, scared a susual, firghtened and pleading people to help them in desperation, but it finally hits them no one can change it but themselves, so they get through and come out stronger than they have ever been. ive got through it. without the medication and now im happy to admit im excited to go away next weekend with my boyfriend, im excited to have him stay round instea dof scared now. and thats all because i didnt let anxiety win, i abttled through it, a strng fighting person, i didnt even know that mentally i was that strong, i knew i was strong, just not as strong as this, until it finally clicked that only i can change this, so i did, i kept myself distracted, thought rationally instead of irrationally and convinced myself to be positive as much as possible. look at me now, yes it is 4-5 weeks down the line, but im the strongest mentally that ive ever been. i will never hit another dark place like that again, ever. i will keep fighting until i get through this, because im strong, and i can do this. and so can you.