its been a while

im so sorry for not blogging in a while! ive been so busy doing exams at school and honestly living life normally! im much better now. im still on anti depressants but they are really helping.

 

i only have one thing to say that is really important and if you are going through anxiety, depression or even both then DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. going to the doctors and seeking medical help and advice was the best thing i ever did and if i had done it sooner i would have been okay. dont let these mental disorders bring you down. you arent going insane, you are just poorly, and seeking help will only benefit you and you would have wished you had done it sooner.

 

B x

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building bridges

i feel slightly off today and out of sync with the world.

i woke up this morning, after finally catching up on all the sleep i had missed friday and saturday night. i woke up blissfully unaware at how my day was going to approach me. i took a deep breath and stumbled tiredly out of bed. i switched the kettle on and lazed on the sofa with a cup of tea, warming my entire body. i was quite happy, just chilling out drinking tea, watching my favourite programmes and texting my friends. one of my friends decided to ring me and ask if he could pop round, i didnt want him to, i was happy having my own independent time alone, but when he got here i was actually okay with it. we were just having a laugh and chatting, occasionally checking our phones, until one of my friends text me moaning about me talking (as friends) with a guy and it was a guy who text me moaning about it! i got irritated and decided to ring him, arguing with him over the phone because he got so hot headed about something that wasnt necissary. i was agitated and tense, my friend who was here with me was laughing at my anger but comforting me at the same time and was trying to relax me. i finally calm down when my boyfriend arrived, walking in with a mcdonalds (something im ok with eating) i ate it all and was quite happy after that until i began stressing when i started having chest pains in my ribs and towards the area of my heart. i didnt panic, because usually it lasts only 5 minutes, but this time it lasted about an hour, it didnt budge and every time i took it deep breath it felt like a knife was pounding into every part of my chest that hurt. i was in pain and began stressing out a little because of the hassle. i snapped at my mum a few times which brought on tears for myself. i began crying, after ruining my fake tan and re doing my face i sat in the living room, dreading school.

i’ve decided to go to school tomorrow, its the day before we all break up and its mufti, im going in only for tomorrw just to see how things are, i havent been in a while and i really want to give it a go, at the same time after all todays complications i dont want to go at all. ive planned my outfit, something smart and classy, ive fake tanned and polished my nails, ive decided exactly what to do with my make up and somewhat have come to a conclusion on what to do with my hair, but i cant help stressing out. i just dont want to go in. after all i dont have to, my mum said i can have the day off and my doctor was the one who told me not to go back until january, but im happy to go in and give it a go, im happy to get up early and im happy to do lessons i hate doing, but one thing i dont want to do is see miserable people that just want to put me down. they dont know what im going through! they dont know how much of a struggle it is for me to get out of bed and try to go into school, they dont know because i dont tell them but they dont even think before they act, they will just moan at me about their not so miserable lives and put me down to make themselves feel better, selfishly thinking of no one around them, whilst ill be just standing there thinking ‘oh, thats right take it out on Bailey, just because im a soft touch and lets everyone tread over me like a door mat’ 

oh dear. its hectic, its mayhem, but at the same time it really might not be as bad as it seems, because im stressed i might just be making things worse for myself, i have no idea. i just want to be happy, and i want to be normal again now, i know i have to work for it, and thats all i have been doing! but when will my hard work pay off? im sick of it. ugh.

hurdles

anxiety is still a fear of mine, without being so much as scared of death everyday im still scared of anxiety. im sixteen, no one should ever have to suffer anxiety or depression, let alone a teenager going through her exams and final year of school. its nearly 2013 and finally i feel good that 2012 is coming to an end. i need to say goodbye to this year and start again, start fresh. there’s still a few more hurdles to get over before im back to normal, but id say im 80% there. some days i feel positive, other days i feel positive but have negative moments, but i look back at everything now and realised i should have trusted everyone more when they told me that ive got anxiety and it will get better. anxiety felt like death slowly approaching me. i had it in my head i was going to die for the beginning, it was scary, i was drained all the time and it was hard, but i almost accepted death. now im glad i never did anything stupid to myself, like self harm or suicide. im also glad i didnt have suicidal thoughts as i am aware that does happen with some people going through anxiety and depression. i got through it, im still battling through it but im here. im laughing without faking it anymore, im laughing with general meaning now. i feel like ive got over the biggest hurdles. there are still some left, but they wont be as hard to jump after the last few ive had to physically push myself to climb over.

 

im 16 and one thing i would say to anyone going through anxiety or depression of any age is it wont just come to you. if you want to get better, you cant lay in bed day after day and expect that you will just eventually get better, it wont work, it wont happen. i did that, i layed inbed sobbing every single day, i would cry every day and wouldnt do simple things like watching telly or sleep in my own bed. it took me months to believe and understand the symptoms and meanings of anxiety and depression, it took me so long and at the time it felt like it was going slow, but as soon as i found the motivation to get up and make myself feel better, things started to change, i started to feel better. now i believe that if you truly try hard at something, you will get what your thriving hard to get, you will succeed, but sitting there and doing nothing about it will not work, things wont get better, you have to try, fight and be strong.

if anyone had told me this a month ago i wouldnt have listened, i wouldnt have cared and i wouldnt have got up and tried, i would have expected it to come to me, the longer i lay here eventually it must go. but no, now ive got up, fought myself and realised that it took me to do that to start feeling happy and better again, i now would say thats the best thing i ever did.

 

another thing is i started on setalopram (not sure how to spell it) anti-depressants and that medication has worked wonders with me. i can understand how it can be so addictive and now i understand why people refer to anti-depressants as ‘happy pills’ they have done amazing things to my body and now when i smile and laugh i genuinely mean it, i dont have to force strength to do so,

i cant repeat enought hat i am only sixteen and i have almost succeeded something that even adults would struggle to at times. i wouldnt wish this on anyone, but im glad ive been through it and came to understand what it is and what it is like to go through it, thats why i dont understand why a stereotypical ’emo’ is or would want to be depressed, it causes so much confusion to me.

another thing id like to add is many people have told me that grown men and woman who have partners going through anxiety struggle to fight and stay with them because its so stressful and it is hard work. i can understand why people would leave someone with anxiety or depression, whether its a wrong or right thing to do, i do understand why, its straining, stressful, draining, tiring, hard work and upsetting watching someone you love go through something like that and not be able to do anything about it, but my boyfriend is 18 years old and for the past 5 months or so has stuck by me. its been a struggle, hes cried sometimes, snapped at me sometimes and got angry sometimes but he is still here, so all men or woman who has a partner that is going through anxiety or depression and is thinking of leaving? my 18 year old boyfriend has stuck by me no matter how hard he got, he learnt the lessons with me and fought through it with me and i cant physically praise him enough for being there for me, he has been an extreme help and the outcome of this has brought both me and him closer in our relationship. im not saying to stay with your girlfriends/boyfriends because if you need to leave or need i break, i understand why, it is tough having to try and help someone when you cant actually do anything about it apart from be there, listen and give advice, but stick by your woman or man until you cant take it anymore or until the end, they need you and the outcome will be better than it was before this illness happened. you will be closer, and you will understand it more and there is help for mothers/fathers/family members/friends/husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends that are helping someone they love go through something like this, so dont get scared that anxiety or depression is contageous, because it isnt, it is only if you choose it too be, there is help for you too whether you have the illness or not, because anyone supporting someone through these mental illnesses need just as big of an award as the person fighting or who has fought through it.

 

goals for 2013

i did just write a whole massive great fantastic blog entry but the darn thing never saved as i accidently clicked on my site stats whilst it was saving. im officially gutted, but ill re write a quicker version of it and although it may not be as good as the last one i will waste my time re writing something i just spent ages writing!

 

anyway, i feel like im getting better, i still panic over eating foods and stuff but i feel like im a lot more normal. i dont know if thats due to motivation or the medication i am on but whatever it is, it seams to be weorking. i can go out now without panicking too much, i still sleep in with my mum but i havent even thought of trying to sleep in my own bed yet so i dont particularly think that is a problem.

 

anyway, i think 2013 will be my year, i want to get over anxiety and depressionand above all conquer it! i will be a winner and a fighter and i will clear this mental illenss for good and i hope to never see it return again! as soon as that clock turns to 00:00 on december the 31st, new years eve, thats when my life begins, i have so much to look forward too in 2013 i wont let anxiety or depression drag me away from it!

 

i have study leave from school and will finally be able ti start sleeping at my boyfriends house which i havent been able to do, i get to sit all of my exams and have a 4 month break from school before starting again in september for sixth form, ill be taking all the subjects i enjoy and for my boyfriends birthday ill be buying him a lovely present he will smile massively at when he opens it! i will find a job and go clothes shopping for smart and classy outfits to impress for sixth form, i will start sixth form and say good bye to all of the old friends that dragged me down and tried to knock my confidence, ill say goodbye to all the druggies that sit on the street corners cracking it up every friday and saturday night, ill start a new life with new friends that will take me places, ill go to lots of parties in sky high heels and marvelous dresses that will cling to my curves effortlessly, ill eat more and put onw eight and take my driving lessons, ill pass my test and achieve so many great things in dance, i will do dance shows and get good grades in all ym subjects after studying them for months in depth at home and at school. its just going to be my year. im not going to let anything ruin it, and even if at the start of 2013 i am still fighting anxiety and depression i will get through it, i will keep fighting until it detaches itself from my body and never returns!

 

ive never wrote and entry this positive before and im so happy to finally do it!

 

maybe i will get better, maybe everything will get better, maybe! the future is bright!

its been a while

hiya guys! its been a while since ive written in my blog and im sorry if everyone that im helping has felt like i have just given up, i havent, i have just had so much going on i havent physically had the time to write anything! im on new medication now, i started on resperidoan (not sure how to spell it) for anxiety and now im on an anti depressent called cetalopram (not sure how to spell that either) and im slowly on the route to recovery. im on drop form on 4mg at the moment and will be going up to 6mg tomorrow. eventually i will be on 10mg tablet form and ive started on such a low dose to reduce side affects.

 

i still get the tight throat symptom and the occasional dizziness but mainly at the moment i am battling with food. i struggle to eat as i panic everytime i eat that there is shellfish inmy food, as some of you are aware i am allergic to shellfish so i panic majourly if there is any near me. i have silly things like kfc which ive been eating all my life and i worry incase someone has touched the food after handling shellfish. i dont even know why i get so panicky over this and im slowly trying to gain confidence when eating food, but unfortunately its gone on to drinks now and i get nervous and anxious about drinking from the same cup as someone else! i even get nervous about kissing my boyfriend who doesnt like shellfish! its silly but hopefully when i up my medication to 6mg drops it will slowly start to improve.

 

its been tough but i can actually manage to stay out of the house if its neccisary now and panicking drains me so its easier for me to sleep at night. there has been a massive improvement since i last wrote on this blog but im still not 100%. i hope everyone who is going through anxiety gets helps as fast as they possibly can because its been four months and im still not 100% better, and i got help almost straight away, so if you leave it months before you get help i can only assume that the affects will last longer. of course some people are a lot more strong minded and understand anxiety and depression a lot more than i do and many others do, so will get through it quicker, but if your like me and still struggle to gain an understanding of anxiety or depression after motnhs of feeling like this, it is a hard thing to understand but it does get easier especially if you have someone to talk to about it.

 

one thing i really would advise is to avoid searching side affects to medication online etc as if your on medication and look at bad side affects that scare you, you will end up convincing your mind that these things are actually happening to you when the medication isnt actyually causing this.

am i even benefiting anyone from this?

i know i haven’t been writing in my blog for very long but i have wrote a lot of stuff and have hardly any response. i started this blog to help people with depressiona nd anxiety as im going through it myself. i relasied when i first started suffering from anxiety that there was no where i could look and find someone really talk about what they are going through online. i felt as though i needed to do it, going through anxiety you realise that its something not many people talk about although its as common as a general cold. i wanted to share my experiences with as many people as i could and i feel as though no one is really that interested? if people could respond to this just for my peace of mind that what i am doing is somewhat not crazy and actually helps people then that would be excellent as i feel as though people aren’t really that interetsed, it makes me feel isolated as though not many people need my help or as if im waisting my time. 

x

good morning depression, welcome back anxiety.

the past few days have been excruciating. They have been awful, and i cant see them getting any better. Depression seems to be getting worse as each day approaches, and anxiety seems to be slowly creeping its way back into my life like an annoying flea that just wont leave.

has anyone seen that advert, where the man is carrying around the mucus cough monster on his back? i feel like im carrying an anxiety and depression monster everyday. but its a dark grey, dull muggy colour, and its heavier than a mucus cough monster, its like carrying a sack of 1000 bricks, its hard work, draining and all you want to do is drop it, but its nailed into your back. yeah, i feel ridiculous.

Depression

depression has been hard work. its a big thing thats affecting my life right now, its not mild depression, but then again its also not severe, i dont intend on killing myself or slitting my wrists, but then again i dont intend on going to school or even seeing many of my friends. My boyfriend hates it, and its stressing him out a lot seeing me going through this, i think he hates knowing he cant just take it away from me. Its also affecting my mum, she worries about me and gets upset too when there is nothing she can do to help me. i still dont understand how depression makes a human being feel this awful. i feel so low, like im in a dark hole and i cant seem to find the strength to pull myself out of it. i get paranoid about the simplest of things. i feel like my boyfriend is cheating on me with other girls, when i know he isn’t. i feel like doctors and my mum is lying to me about blood test results (which came back all clear) and stuff. i genuinely feel like im dying. i know im not dying deep down, but i feel as though if i was, i just want it to hurry up and get over and done with. This is not a good feeling, and i am ashamed, embarrassed and annoyed at having to admit it. Depression is an illness that i never thought i would ever have to face. im such a bright bubbly person and i feel like its dragging. its been two months or so now that i have been suffering anxiety and depression, but the depression has got severely worse within the past few days. im trying to lighten up and have hope but i have lost all hope. i cry every day, most nights and i go to bed as late as possible because i dont want to sleep, to wake up to another day. i cry about silly things, and when i dont cry i either just stare at a wall aimlessly or sometimes even the floor, other times i just sit in silence, other times i get angry and lose my temper, i snap at things people say, i want to be alone sometimes, other times i dont want to be left on my own. its an up and down thing, and im up and down more than a yo-yo. 

anxiety

Anxiety is slowly creeping back into my life. i felt like i had finally conquered it, and thought with just a bit of counselling help id be back on track and it wouldn’t affect me again. clearly i was wrong, the depression has brought me lower than ever, i have hit pretty much rock bottom, apart from i dont want to commit suicide or self harm, i just want to get better, but i dont see any light at the end of the tunnel any more. i feel like there is no hope and that i will live like this for the rest of my life. if i eat dinner out, like at my boyfriend’s house or at a restaurant i feel like it has shellfish in it, i panic that i will have an allergic reaction. i feel like i cant breath a lot again, my throat keeps feeling so tight and although i can bare the feeling, it is also so damn uncomfortable and it takes a lot of hard grasp to get it to go away.

anxiety and depression

both of my illnesses put together are making each day harder and harder to get through and only last night i was begging my mum to get me help. i was begging her to call someone to help me at least. its knocked my confidence so low i dont even do my hair any more. its just slapped up into a pony tail every day and i only do my make up if im going somewhere, and its not somewhere i want to go, its somewhere i have to go. ive also been having really bad dizzy spells where i dont feel with it, it makes me cry as i get scared, nervous and upset. I’ve been pushing my boyfriend away so much i am in deep shock that he hasn’t ended our relationship yet, we have been together for about a year and a half yet i still feel as though hes going to end it. i dont want to face school and i feel like none of my friends care about me or anything. i feel completely isolated even though i have my boyfriend, friends, family and others helping me get through this. ive lost all trust in everyone, i feel like the doctors are lying to me and i feel as though everyone just wants to hurt me behind my back.

Positives i have gained

i have gained many positive things through this road of anxiety and depression. although i want it over and done with and fast, i know that in the long run this will help me in a positive way.

  1. this has opened my eyes to most things in the world. it has made me a more appreciative person and has made me feel as though i want to help so many people in the world.
  2. its made me realise that if me and my boyfriend get through this and he doesn’t leave, that i can trust him fully knowing he stuck by me through everything, i think it will bring me closer to my mum and my boyfriend, it has already but i think it might do even more in the long run.
  3. it will help me to challenge any of my fears and choose courage over fear. most of you who read my blog will know that ‘choose courage over fear’ is a quote i am living permanently by at the moment and i will eventually get it tattooed on me somewhere if i beat this when i beat this.
  4. its made me show more emotion, and care more and understand more how strong people are that suffer terminal illnesses or have cancer etc. i see people with cancer smiling, staying strong and fighting through it, i have something that is just mentally wrong with me, something that cant kill me and im still so scared and feel like i haven’t got the strength to fight through it any more.

There isn’t really much advice i can give anyone on depression, as i have only recently hit my worst point with depression and unfortunately haven’t seen a professional about it yet. im seeing someone tomorrow at a mental health child and adolescent hospital for an assessment on how i am feeling so hopefully will get advice then. i am also due to hopefully start anti-depressant medication on Friday so hopefully things will take a turning point and ill be on the route back up.

the advice i can give everyone about anxiety is:

make sure you have a daily routine. write and plan out a routine you will follow for the next month or two and stick to that plan. ive been told by so many doctors, specialists and professionals that having a routine is the best thing for you body, especially to keep you occupied.

get up and get dressed and make an effort with yourself everyday. i know i haven’t been doing it recently but i know it helped me before i got the depression and was just suffering with anxiety. it made me feel better in myself which confused my brain into thinking i was happy and feeling good. it does help.

make sure you eat properly. in total i have lost a stone that i couldn’t really afford to lose and im now sitting at an unhealthy 7 1/2 stone. also a healthy diet full of protein will give you energy and help maintain a healthy metabolism. 

confide in someone who will understand or at least listen. if you dont want advice, dont ask for it, just ask for someone who you trust to listen to you. bottling things up will make you ten times worse and although it is hard to believe that it will ( i didnt think that not talking would make me worse ) it genuinely will make you worse, i didnt realise this until i bottled things up and eventually went ‘bang’

 

im sorry for the ‘depressive’ post, i didnt like the idea of posting something negative yet again but i feel that its important to share exactly what i am going through with as many people as i possibly can, so people can relate and feel as though they arent alone. i have so much more advice which i have been given by doctors and professionals in the anxiety department so feel free to comment and i will get back to you as soon as i can with the advice you need.