the past few days have been excruciating. They have been awful, and i cant see them getting any better. Depression seems to be getting worse as each day approaches, and anxiety seems to be slowly creeping its way back into my life like an annoying flea that just wont leave.
has anyone seen that advert, where the man is carrying around the mucus cough monster on his back? i feel like im carrying an anxiety and depression monster everyday. but its a dark grey, dull muggy colour, and its heavier than a mucus cough monster, its like carrying a sack of 1000 bricks, its hard work, draining and all you want to do is drop it, but its nailed into your back. yeah, i feel ridiculous.
depression has been hard work. its a big thing thats affecting my life right now, its not mild depression, but then again its also not severe, i dont intend on killing myself or slitting my wrists, but then again i dont intend on going to school or even seeing many of my friends. My boyfriend hates it, and its stressing him out a lot seeing me going through this, i think he hates knowing he cant just take it away from me. Its also affecting my mum, she worries about me and gets upset too when there is nothing she can do to help me. i still dont understand how depression makes a human being feel this awful. i feel so low, like im in a dark hole and i cant seem to find the strength to pull myself out of it. i get paranoid about the simplest of things. i feel like my boyfriend is cheating on me with other girls, when i know he isn’t. i feel like doctors and my mum is lying to me about blood test results (which came back all clear) and stuff. i genuinely feel like im dying. i know im not dying deep down, but i feel as though if i was, i just want it to hurry up and get over and done with. This is not a good feeling, and i am ashamed, embarrassed and annoyed at having to admit it. Depression is an illness that i never thought i would ever have to face. im such a bright bubbly person and i feel like its dragging. its been two months or so now that i have been suffering anxiety and depression, but the depression has got severely worse within the past few days. im trying to lighten up and have hope but i have lost all hope. i cry every day, most nights and i go to bed as late as possible because i dont want to sleep, to wake up to another day. i cry about silly things, and when i dont cry i either just stare at a wall aimlessly or sometimes even the floor, other times i just sit in silence, other times i get angry and lose my temper, i snap at things people say, i want to be alone sometimes, other times i dont want to be left on my own. its an up and down thing, and im up and down more than a yo-yo.
Anxiety is slowly creeping back into my life. i felt like i had finally conquered it, and thought with just a bit of counselling help id be back on track and it wouldn’t affect me again. clearly i was wrong, the depression has brought me lower than ever, i have hit pretty much rock bottom, apart from i dont want to commit suicide or self harm, i just want to get better, but i dont see any light at the end of the tunnel any more. i feel like there is no hope and that i will live like this for the rest of my life. if i eat dinner out, like at my boyfriend’s house or at a restaurant i feel like it has shellfish in it, i panic that i will have an allergic reaction. i feel like i cant breath a lot again, my throat keeps feeling so tight and although i can bare the feeling, it is also so damn uncomfortable and it takes a lot of hard grasp to get it to go away.
anxiety and depression
both of my illnesses put together are making each day harder and harder to get through and only last night i was begging my mum to get me help. i was begging her to call someone to help me at least. its knocked my confidence so low i dont even do my hair any more. its just slapped up into a pony tail every day and i only do my make up if im going somewhere, and its not somewhere i want to go, its somewhere i have to go. ive also been having really bad dizzy spells where i dont feel with it, it makes me cry as i get scared, nervous and upset. I’ve been pushing my boyfriend away so much i am in deep shock that he hasn’t ended our relationship yet, we have been together for about a year and a half yet i still feel as though hes going to end it. i dont want to face school and i feel like none of my friends care about me or anything. i feel completely isolated even though i have my boyfriend, friends, family and others helping me get through this. ive lost all trust in everyone, i feel like the doctors are lying to me and i feel as though everyone just wants to hurt me behind my back.
Positives i have gained
i have gained many positive things through this road of anxiety and depression. although i want it over and done with and fast, i know that in the long run this will help me in a positive way.
- this has opened my eyes to most things in the world. it has made me a more appreciative person and has made me feel as though i want to help so many people in the world.
- its made me realise that if me and my boyfriend get through this and he doesn’t leave, that i can trust him fully knowing he stuck by me through everything, i think it will bring me closer to my mum and my boyfriend, it has already but i think it might do even more in the long run.
- it will help me to challenge any of my fears and choose courage over fear. most of you who read my blog will know that ‘choose courage over fear’ is a quote i am living permanently by at the moment and i will eventually get it tattooed on me somewhere
if i beat this when i beat this.
- its made me show more emotion, and care more and understand more how strong people are that suffer terminal illnesses or have cancer etc. i see people with cancer smiling, staying strong and fighting through it, i have something that is just mentally wrong with me, something that cant kill me and im still so scared and feel like i haven’t got the strength to fight through it any more.
There isn’t really much advice i can give anyone on depression, as i have only recently hit my worst point with depression and unfortunately haven’t seen a professional about it yet. im seeing someone tomorrow at a mental health child and adolescent hospital for an assessment on how i am feeling so hopefully will get advice then. i am also due to hopefully start anti-depressant medication on Friday so hopefully things will take a turning point and ill be on the route back up.
the advice i can give everyone about anxiety is:
make sure you have a daily routine. write and plan out a routine you will follow for the next month or two and stick to that plan. ive been told by so many doctors, specialists and professionals that having a routine is the best thing for you body, especially to keep you occupied.
get up and get dressed and make an effort with yourself everyday. i know i haven’t been doing it recently but i know it helped me before i got the depression and was just suffering with anxiety. it made me feel better in myself which confused my brain into thinking i was happy and feeling good. it does help.
make sure you eat properly. in total i have lost a stone that i couldn’t really afford to lose and im now sitting at an unhealthy 7 1/2 stone. also a healthy diet full of protein will give you energy and help maintain a healthy metabolism.
confide in someone who will understand or at least listen. if you dont want advice, dont ask for it, just ask for someone who you trust to listen to you. bottling things up will make you ten times worse and although it is hard to believe that it will ( i didnt think that not talking would make me worse ) it genuinely will make you worse, i didnt realise this until i bottled things up and eventually went ‘bang’
im sorry for the ‘depressive’ post, i didnt like the idea of posting something negative yet again but i feel that its important to share exactly what i am going through with as many people as i possibly can, so people can relate and feel as though they arent alone. i have so much more advice which i have been given by doctors and professionals in the anxiety department so feel free to comment and i will get back to you as soon as i can with the advice you need.