goals for 2013

i did just write a whole massive great fantastic blog entry but the darn thing never saved as i accidently clicked on my site stats whilst it was saving. im officially gutted, but ill re write a quicker version of it and although it may not be as good as the last one i will waste my time re writing something i just spent ages writing!

 

anyway, i feel like im getting better, i still panic over eating foods and stuff but i feel like im a lot more normal. i dont know if thats due to motivation or the medication i am on but whatever it is, it seams to be weorking. i can go out now without panicking too much, i still sleep in with my mum but i havent even thought of trying to sleep in my own bed yet so i dont particularly think that is a problem.

 

anyway, i think 2013 will be my year, i want to get over anxiety and depressionand above all conquer it! i will be a winner and a fighter and i will clear this mental illenss for good and i hope to never see it return again! as soon as that clock turns to 00:00 on december the 31st, new years eve, thats when my life begins, i have so much to look forward too in 2013 i wont let anxiety or depression drag me away from it!

 

i have study leave from school and will finally be able ti start sleeping at my boyfriends house which i havent been able to do, i get to sit all of my exams and have a 4 month break from school before starting again in september for sixth form, ill be taking all the subjects i enjoy and for my boyfriends birthday ill be buying him a lovely present he will smile massively at when he opens it! i will find a job and go clothes shopping for smart and classy outfits to impress for sixth form, i will start sixth form and say good bye to all of the old friends that dragged me down and tried to knock my confidence, ill say goodbye to all the druggies that sit on the street corners cracking it up every friday and saturday night, ill start a new life with new friends that will take me places, ill go to lots of parties in sky high heels and marvelous dresses that will cling to my curves effortlessly, ill eat more and put onw eight and take my driving lessons, ill pass my test and achieve so many great things in dance, i will do dance shows and get good grades in all ym subjects after studying them for months in depth at home and at school. its just going to be my year. im not going to let anything ruin it, and even if at the start of 2013 i am still fighting anxiety and depression i will get through it, i will keep fighting until it detaches itself from my body and never returns!

 

ive never wrote and entry this positive before and im so happy to finally do it!

 

maybe i will get better, maybe everything will get better, maybe! the future is bright!

Every day is a new day to success.

here’s to a fresh start *puts glass of blackcurrant in the air* im so happy. things are finally back on track. i got my medication today, which is a 10mg, monthly supply of an anti depressent (forgotten the name) that calms anxiety and panic attacks..BUT there’s a twist, i feel well enough to not even start them! today has been a normal day! and normal is the best word for me to manage to admit right now. although my morning started off badly, it wasnt due to anxiety or panic attacks, it was simply to do with the fact i struggled so bad on my two physics exams. i did a maths exam this afternoon but hey ho! i managed a whole day through school. massive huge extreme improvement. ive managed to get myself through anxiety without medication or any counselling (yet ofcourse) im still going ahead with the counselling, because ive been told that thats what prevents anxiety to re occur in the long run. but i managed! and ive read up on a few websites that anxiety is one of the most hardest things as well as depression to pull yourself out of without any medication. everyday that isuffered from anxiety was like a curse, an evil curse placed upon my shoulders that i had to endure with me everyday until i found the strength to lift it off of me and dump it someone dark and lock it away. i was struggling to get through a day, every day of living was like a chore for me. i wanted to not wake up and bare another day, but at the same time i was scared of dying and scared if not waking up. it was a confusing time, my depression got worse. i was low. id sit in the bath until it got cold with my head in my knees. i even got to a point where i wasnt crying anymore, just staring into lost space throughout times of the day. i didnt want to see me friends, i didnt want to go to parties, i didnt want to leave my house, as it was the only place i felt secure. but finally, after breaking down and hitting that very rock bottom, i realised that i cant let my head mess me around like this, i cant be frightened of something that i can control. its like walking into a scary house, some people may be fine and strong willed to just do it without complaints, like some people can get through anxiety as though its a normal cough or cold. some people would go through it and never get out, just like people who suffer from anxiety get into it and cant control it at all. others will go in there and need help to get themselves through it, like with anxiety, people willl go into it and end up getting help to make sure they dont suffer anymore, and then others, the very rare few go in there, scared a susual, firghtened and pleading people to help them in desperation, but it finally hits them no one can change it but themselves, so they get through and come out stronger than they have ever been. ive got through it. without the medication and now im happy to admit im excited to go away next weekend with my boyfriend, im excited to have him stay round instea dof scared now. and thats all because i didnt let anxiety win, i abttled through it, a strng fighting person, i didnt even know that mentally i was that strong, i knew i was strong, just not as strong as this, until it finally clicked that only i can change this, so i did, i kept myself distracted, thought rationally instead of irrationally and convinced myself to be positive as much as possible. look at me now, yes it is 4-5 weeks down the line, but im the strongest mentally that ive ever been. i will never hit another dark place like that again, ever. i will keep fighting until i get through this, because im strong, and i can do this. and so can you.